Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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