I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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