i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
