Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
How does one acquire holy water?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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