Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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