Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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