My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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