I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
