Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
