was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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