He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
