I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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