I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
