Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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