This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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