Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
