he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
