Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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