xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
