He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
