how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
