so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
