He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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