Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
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Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
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Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though