Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
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If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
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She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.