he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
