I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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