new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
