My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
