And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
