apparently the secret to your success is patron
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
