My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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