like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
