My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
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