the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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