Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
