He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
