Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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