Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
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my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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