you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I have tasted many bathrooms
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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