There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
