if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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