the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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