I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
