I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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