the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
