you have to choose: penises or morals?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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