Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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