u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
