wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
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You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
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It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize