My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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