I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
