My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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