The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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