i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
