I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
