i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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