You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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