New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
