McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
